50 Shades of Rage for Every Day of Russian Full-scale Invasion of Ukraine
How strange it is…
How many war stories have I read in Ukraїner from our Donbas, in NYT from Ethiopia, Afghanistan, Syria. How many of them began with the words “It was in the morning/evening/night…I was..and then…”
Sometimes these words caused me a sharp pain in my chest, sometimes made me cry out of people’s helplessness, sometimes lost hope in humanity.
How strange it is… when this story unfolded all over Ukraine, I felt none of it. No pain. No sorrow. No despair.
The set of feelings was utterly different. First, total denial, then strong desire to call loved ones, and finally followed by rage. Rage! I didn’t expect that I was capable of such a feeling.
Rage uncovered
Rage with an inability to comprehend Putin’s full-scale assault on our home is a very bizarre cocktail. The brain refuses to shape sentences out of emotions and is still trying to run a daily routine, obviously, without success. Then one moment you’re looking for all possible ways to support our forces, the next — just sitting there frozen, following the thread on Twitter, checking in with friends and family every 5min, and trying to put yourself together.
Rage with a shade of recognition and turmoil
I was afraid to go sleep on the first two nights of heavy combat. Not because I feared for myself, but because I was terrified that I could wake up and there could be no Kyiv or Kharkiv or my hometown where I was born. I wasn’t alone in this fear. This is the moment when things you’re attached to — comfort, running daily routines like going to the gym, going to work, or drinking coffee and reading a book become irrelevant. War forces out every single thought from “Before” and leaves you with scenarios you unwillingly follow.
Rage in pride and unity
I have a deep trust in our forces, who have been protecting us for 8 years of war with Russia, who are suppressing the aggressor every minute, demonstrating bravery beyond imagined and making history. (Honestly, I have never sworn. Now I have words that became music to my ears) Yet, they need so much more than our trust. As a nation, we showed that unity is our strength. We can consolidate our power and provide all kinds of support, but I must say, it’s infuriating when no one else trusts you can win this battle.
Rage out of “deep concern”
I guess, I understand now those nations, who went through wars and had to listen to politicians with their “deep concerns”, which mostly sound like “Well, we acknowledge what’s happening, it’s not really our battle, but you should know, our thoughts are with you.” As Ukrainian writer and poet Oleksandr Oles put it in 1931 — “Europe was silent.”
This time is different though because while Putin has one army, Ukraine has three — military, diplomats, and an army of supporters all over the world. We hear the voice of all people coming to the streets in their countries and demanding their governments to act now. They donate money, spread the word, accept our refugees. Three days ago, some American senator used the “If Ukraine wins” phrase to comment on Russian aggression. Today I haven’t heard “If” in any video comments.
From rage to peace
I used to turn on the campfire sounds on Youtube for the evening ambiance. Suddenly, silence outside became my most desired ambiance. I talked to my friends in Kyiv and Kharkiv, where they have heavy assaults every day. We all agreed that if someone had told us last Wednesday you can get used to waking up to sirens and seeing your home being shelled in 2022, no one would believe it.
At this very moment, our armies are doing everything, so no one else in any other country knows what it is. Not only peace in Ukraine is at stake. This peace depends on each of us. Everyone can #StandwithUkraine and #StandforUkraine.
Here are some starting points:
- Become our defender and support our forces with ammunition by donating — https://savelife.in.ua/en/donate/
- Sign the petition to NATO to #closethesky in Ukraine. (We’re halfway there)
- If you have friends and colleagues in Russia and Belarus — reach out to them and spread the truth, convince them it’s time to speak out for their freedom too.
- And here are more ways to help Ukraine win!
I know the sorrow and pain of loss will catch up, no doubt. But not for now. Not until our peace is restored. Not until our home is freed from those, who treacherously invaded it. For now, rage is okay.
